Becoming unstuck

A fresh start they say. That's what they call it. But I call it something else - I call it the courage to become unstuck.

It’s been an uphill battle and I’m not even close to where I want to be, but the bedazzled lining on those fluffy balls in the sky is slowly starting to show – thank everyone and everything that is holy!

For the past few months, I have felt that yukky sticky black stuff creeping into my life again. It seems to rear its ugly head every time I start to feel stuck. It’s like this toxic waste fills up my body – my emotions become dull, my mind chatters non-stop and my body, well let’s just call it ‘average to poor’ on a good day.

So, in an attempt to cheer myself up, I took to the couch with a slab of Cadbury’s finest and  my favourite chick flick - Eat, Pray, Love. About 30 minutes into the movie, I realized I was far from cheery - the tears were streaming, the heart was longing and the mind was completely overwhelmed. No, no, no that wasn’t right dammit!

I pressed pause (PVR of pure joy) dragged my sorry ass outside onto my balcony (because it was the only place I felt like I could actually breathe) and just as Liz had done 15 minutes earlier, I looked up at the sky and asked (OK more like wailed) ‘WHYYYYY?’ (in my head of course – I live in a complex, waling would definitely ruin my street cred!)

I don’t quite know what I was hoping for – maybe a bolt of lighting would beat down and strike some sense into me or a delicate and vivid vision would appear detailing the path I needed to take to get me out of this mess. Or I would hear an angel whisper some beautiful calming advice that would lead to a life epiphany?

Nope. None of that.

Instead my tears suddenly stopped. I felt like I could breathe a little easier. And the only thing I could think about was the bookshop (my favourite place on earth). Now THAT made me smile! But before I could move, it started again – the incessant chatter from my mind:

But you wanted a day off, maybe it would be better to just get back on the couch?

Perhaps I should call my friend, I know she loves this bookshop, she might be able to talk some sense into me!

And then the best one (the one that rears its ugly head the most when the black sticky stuff is around)…

Wouldn’t it be easier to just eat?

It was at the point that I wanted to punch my own mind out of my very own head, because the thought of having no thoughts at all was far more appealing than listening to all that CRAP! And so I did what I had always been too scared to do – I told them to SHUT UP. I trusted my little voice, the very first one that entered my mind and made me smile. And I listened to it. It led me to the most fantastic afternoon in the travel section of the bookshop – so much so, that I have now found the answers I had been searching for.

The black stuff hasn’t completely gone yet, but I can tell you that the estimated time of disappearance is T minus 5 days or so. After that day on my balcony, I exercised when my little voice told me to and I did whatever I felt like doing – running some days, dancing around the house on others, even meditating when my energy was really low. When my little voice told me to eat some fruit, I made a smoothie – because I hate fruit, but I refused to turn to the dark side and reach for the chocolate again. I discovered a love for things of my past by buying a French vocab book for my trip to France next year. I even managed to smile. 

And that smile now lasts for almost an entire day at a time. All because I listened to the real voice - the one that spoke first. That’s the only one that really matters.