The negative power of assumption

Your assumptions are your windows on the world. Scrub them off every once in a while, or the light won't come in.
~Alan Alda

We are all entitled to our own opinion, of course. But sometimes it is safer to keep it to yourself. You may think you know what is right for your partner, child, best friend or parent, but the harsh truth is – you don’t. The only thing you really know is what is true for you.

So often when sharing a conversation with someone, we are told that we have made the wrong decision or that we should rethink our motives and action plan. These assumptions are often what stop us just as we are about to succeed, as we are about to find happiness and follow our heart. That is when we need to remember that these assumptions are simply that – something that someone else has conjured up in their mind as result of their own circumstances.

That is not to say that the opinions of those who care about us are not valid. It simply means that WE have the power to CHOOSE what we want to believe and DECIDE which truth is our truth.

Reversing this situation, remember that you have also been one to offer unnecessary opinions. The next time someone you care about shares something important with you, rather just sit and listen instead of making an assumption based on your own judgments. And if your opinion persists, take a moment to think about what has been triggered in your life – what are you scared of, where are you afraid to go, what do you wish you could do with your life?

We like to think of ourselves as altruists, but in essence most of us are self-centred – not selfish, just self-focused. So when we have conversations with people around us, 90% of the time we aren’t listening whole-heartedly, we are actually thinking about how what is being spoken about affects our own lives. This is not a bad thing, however it is not always necessary to share these concerns in the moment. Sometimes it is better to just remain quiet and then simply ask questions. Take yourself out of the conversation and be the altruist you want to be – the listener, the empathetic friend, the support, the encouragement. And if you have no idea how to do that, just start by listening without thinking about yourself.

Rather than making a judgment and highlighting all the things that could go wrong with your friend's / partner's / parent's / child's plan (because ultimately that's what we do - whether it is to protect them or because it's a personal reaction), simply get them to make up their own mind by asking the right questions:

·          How are you going to do that?

·          How do you feel about it?

·          What’s next in your plan?

·          Do you have any fears about it?

·          How can I help you?

By asking the most simple questions, you allow the light to clean up your incorrect assumptions and, instead, shed some light onto your interactions and into your very own life. Plus, the next time you have something you want to talk about, that friend / parent / partner will more than likely allow you the courtesy, too, to speak freely without judgements or assumptions.

Tribute to a true dream-maker

The universal laws of attraction never cease to amaze me. Today, I decided to focus on dreams and how we keep following them even when we are faced with obstacles. Personally, I had a bit of a wobbly this morning and became a little too consumed with the outcome of my goal rather than enjoying the process. And as much as I believe in the words I wrote in the previous blog, sometimes they are difficult to embody in real life.

Out of the blue, I received an email this afternoon (thanks Tam) about a friend from university, Kingsley Ward. Kingsley completed his training for the British army in 2008 and deployed for Afghanistan in 2009. One month before he was due to return from combat, he stood on an IED (Improvised Explosive Device) and as a result, lost both legs, his right arm and most of his left forearm.

One would have thought that this type of trauma would be enough to turn anyone from a fighter into a bed-ridden victim (goodness only knows I would have struggled to face every day if it was me). But Kingsley thought nothing of the sort. It was always his dream to be make his country proud and DAMN is he doing that! Not only does Kingsley partake in all sports on his prosthetic limbs, he has also managed to ski down some of the toughest slopes, swim in triathons and is currently trianing for Ironman next year.

I have a lump in my throat as I write this. I feel so weak and for almost giving up on my dream, when here is a young man whose life did a complete 360 in a matter of seconds, and still he gets up every day and lives his dream. I am humbled to the point of tears.

Kingsley Ward, thank you for reminding me of the sacrifices we have to make to follow our dreams - even if those sacrifices are something we never prepared for or even imagined. You have proved that anything can be accomplished if we continue to focus on the dream. You are a true hero.

For more information on Kingsley and his incredible accomplishments, have a look at the following:
http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/top-stories/2011/01/02/limbless-soldiers-take-to-the-ski-slopes-115875-22820623/

and

http://www.truespirit.org.uk/the%20team/wardkingsley.html

25 year old Kingsley, flying down the slopes in Colorado

Keeping your dream alive

Sometimes we just feel like giving up.

Even though our dreams might be grand and would make us happier than anything, the pressure of trying to attain them and the anxiety of having to wait for them to materialise is sometimes just unbearable. It seems as though we are stagnating or, even worse, moving backwards.

This is the time when most of us decide to just give up hope. I have actively thrown in the towel on a number of my dreams for fear of failure, lack of self-confidence or just plain exhaustion. However, after immersing myself in the autobiographies of the world's most successful people, I can boldly say: WHEN YOU FEEL LIKE THIS, DON'T GIVE UP!

Too often we let go of our dreams just as they are about to become a reality. When you feel as though the struggle is too much to bear, that is the EXACT moment when your dream is actually coming into being. Giving up will mean that you choose to let it slip through your fingers, even though it was right within your reach.

The greatest dreams are always followed by the biggest struggles. If they weren't, then the dream would not be a dream - it would simply be part of every day life. To set yourself a challenging goal is the most rewarding thing you can do for yourself, as you are openly affirming that you are capable of achieving the impossible.

Something we never stop to consider is the energetic shifts we make with one thought. What you don't realise is that if you have taken the time to think about your dream, to write it down and tell others about it, a process has been set in motion. This process is far beyond our imagination and is something that we will never see, but it is happening - every minute of every day. If you believe that your dream is important to you, then live it. Instead of thinking about how you aren't getting where you need to be fast enough, instead thank yourself for having the courage to dream big.

If you have set your intention, and you know in your heart that you are following your purpose, the mechanics of your dream will fall into place. You will never know how to make it all happen, but I can guarantee that if you stay focused on what you want and trust that you deserve it, everything you wish for will become real - when the time is right. For now, all you can do is stay determined and know that your dream is just around the corner.

Next time you wake up and feel like it's not worth it and you want to give up, ask yourself:

• How would this dream change my life?
• If I achieved this dream, how would I feel about myself?
• How could this dream help those I love?
• Why wouldn't I want to keep moving towards my dream?
• Are the obstacles I see really obstacles?
• Who can help me to get over these challenges?

And then close your eyes and see yourself making your dream happen. You will never want to part from it again! 

A sneak peek - The I Design book

I do not claim to be a guru of life, as I believe that everyone is the master of their own destiny.

In reading The I Design novel, I hope that every person is able to create a life that is right for them – whatever it may be. I do not preach the usual self-help tools and techniques, but rather I tell stories – about my life and the lives of others I have met in my profession as a life coach. These stories have taught me everything I know about life and love and I have used them to guide me towards conclusions. Throughout the book, I open up these opinions to the reader, encouraging them to form their own ideas of each element of life. That is what is most important to me – assisting others to design their life, their way.

No matter who you are or what you do, you long to wake up every morning knowing you are going to make a difference to those around you. You want to know that you are here for a reason and that you fulfil a purpose. But, for many of us, we are unsure of what that purpose is. Or, even worse, we know what it is, but we are too afraid to make it happen. Having the courage and confidence to control your life is the first step to attaining your goals and finding personal direction.

In order to get to a space where you have set your goals and are determined to make them happen, you need to conquer the fears that hold you back. Beliefs are the foundation of fear. If you have allowed the beliefs of your family, friends and society to rule you, you are bound to fail. But when you are ready to create new beliefs for yourself, success is inevitable.

Once your new beliefs are cemented, you have the personal power to attain your goals. So, the next step is to identify your short, medium and long term goals, ensuring that you only choose aspirations that truly reflect who you are.

To make these goals a reality, it is imperative to take the time for yourself. Taking time out allows you to focus on your goals and find ways to make them happen. Without these moments of personal space, your direction will be skewed, as you are the only one who can design the life you want. Consequently, your physical being becomes sick and plagued with illness as you refuse to give your body and mind the relaxation they deserve.

Often, physical ailments manifest as a result of emotional turmoil. By keeping your emotions to yourself, you end up poisoning your body. But, if you can learn to express yourself in real time, your body will be healthy and your relationships will soar. Self-expression is one of the most basic actions, yet so many people have no idea how to speak their truth. If you can identify your truth, you can speak it too.

Living your truth is the foundation for living a life of purpose, but you are guaranteed even more success if you learn to have fun while doing it. Spontaneous acts of kindness towards yourself and others is just one way to be playful with life. As Richard Branson says, ‘The minute I stop having fun, I stop doing it!’ And look at the good fortune he has attracted to himself!

Ultimately this book is not about preaching life philosophies. Instead, it provides readers with the opportunity to work through elements of life in order to find their own personal direction. Exercises, questionnaires and opinion polls allow every reader to create their own story and guide themselves towards personal transformation.

The I Design: How to live, laugh and let go

- out January 2012 

Know your value, find your way

So often we find ourselves in situations that do not honour us. We agree to do something that doesn’t sit well with us, or we get involved in a gossipy conversation just to fit in. When we find ourselves feeling uncomfortable, it is generally as a result of going directly against our morals.

Knowing your values gives you the strength to be who you really are. By simply living a life that contains people and environments that agree with your values, you will find your happiness factor rising considerably.

The reason for most arguments in relationships, friendships and work situations is the clashing of values. You know that if your top value is truth and someone lies to you, you will find it very difficult to ever trust that person again. The same goes if your top value is achievement and you happen to be dating someone with a lack of drive and ambition. You are most likely to fight a lot and will probably end up separating.

The truth is, there is probably nobody else out there with the exact same value sequence as you, so life is not about finding someone who has identical values to you. It is, however, important to know your values and the values of those around you – particularly your partner. By knowing your partner’s values, you create an atmosphere of understanding AND you are able to please your partner with ease.

I know that if I come into contact with someone whose top value is self-confidence and mine is love, it will be easy for me to lovingly give them a compliment. I am then using my value to speak directly to theirs by saying something that will boost their confidence and make them feel good. We are then likely to create a lasting relationship. But if I went up to that same person and lovingly insisted that they could do with a session at gym, I would still be in alignment with my values, but not theirs. This would definitely be a catalyst for a fight – or at the very least, a negative emotional response.

My suggestion is that you decipher your values and then try to get the people around you to do the same. There are hundreds of values to choose from, but here is a list to get you started:

• Wealth
• Success
• Peace
• Balance
• Love
• Happiness
• Honesty
• Loyalty
• Integrity
• Achievement
• Truth
• Trust
• Optimism
• Self-worth
• Generosity
• Kindness
• Empathy
• Compassion
• Openness
• Respect

Once you have chosen your top 5 values, rank them in order of importance. Then consider how you may use them or not use them daily. These 5 values can (if you would like them to) become your blueprint for life – guiding you along your path, helping you to find your true purpose.

For example, if compassion is your top value, but you feel like your life is full of selfish means with no show of compassion, it might be an opportunity for you to show your compassionate side. Perhaps a career in community work or welfare is what you really need to make yourself happy?

By using your values as your compass, you will always find happiness, fulfillment and success.

Bring yourself back to life

Today’s blog is dedicated to a force beyond many – a woman by the name of Jessica Webster.

If you were listening to Highveld this morning, you would have heard about Jess and her plight - thanks to her sister Bryony.

Jess was in an armed robbery when she was in her early 20s and a gunshot wound left her paralysed. But she refused to give up. She made it clear to herself and the world that she was not going to live her life in a wheelchair. Her sheer determination and belief in herself ensured that she is now able to walk today.

I haven’t seen Jess for a while, but today’s broadcast reminded me of her infinite power. Imagine if we all had the ability and confidence to stare life boldly in the eye and summon the courage to say NO! Every morsel of Jess’ make-up believes that she will walk again and so far, she has proved that she knows best! By standing up for what she believes in, she has made it happen.

Instead of accepting her fate as forecasted by doctors, she stopped listening to everyone else and tuned into her little voice inside. The voice that whispered to her every day that she COULD get out of bed, that she COULD face the world and that she WOULD walk.

We all have those times where the universe feels like it’s closing in on us, where every day feels like a battle and happiness seems like this intangible star, floating further and further away from our grasp. It’s times like that when we need to learn to be like Jess – to stand up, tune in to our inner wisdom and gallantly shout NO.

The next time you find yourself being led by the opinions of others or doing something you would rather not do, take a deep breath and simply say no. Saying no does not mean that you are unwilling to compromise or give to others, it simply means you are allowing yourself to be free to choose the life you want for yourself.

Jess did not choose what happened to her, but she did choose HOW she would let it affect her life. She chose to be positive, she chose to be brave, she chose to fight. And her fight was all about taking control of her circumstances – being the survivor, not the victim and not allowing anyone else to tell her otherwise.

So, if you feel like life is running you as opposed to you being in the driving seat, stop complaining and start taking charge. Only you can stop you from becoming what you want to be. Nobody can take away your power. Nobody can stop you from being a champion. You are the one who decides. You are the one who can turn your life around. And you can do it right now.

To Jess – thank you for making me believe that anything is possible. Hearing you on the radio this morning has brought me back to life – a life that I am going to take charge of!

FYI - Not only is Jess a motivational force, she is also an astounding artist. To see some of her work, have a look at http://www.jessicawebster.co.za/

Everyone, let's go forth and conquer. The world is ours for the taking!

The Art of Surrender

There is something to be said about those who follow their heart’s true desires – people who can see their goal in bright, shiny letters and never take their eye off the prize. Those are the people who get what they want, when they want it. Those are the people I envy!

To master this art of goal achievement, you need to be able to live in a state of trust (so these successful people tell me). You need to learn how to surrender. In direct opposition to my understanding, surrender doesn’t actually mean giving up, it simply means letting go. Your goals are there, in the back of your mind, but you are willing to let go and trust that whatever is meant to be, wherever you are supposed to be going, you will get there – but only when you are good and ready.

Society struggles with the virtue of patience. We want everything to be as it should be right here and now. We have forgotten how to enjoy the moment we have been blessed with and instead focus all our energy onto the future – or even worse, the past. We know that the great author, Eckhart Tolle, specifically told us to live in the power of now and to focus on every second, but sometimes (let’s be honest) it’s damn hard – especially if our present situation is not exactly what we hoped for!

There’s no shame in wishing that your life were otherwise, but there’s something to be said about dwelling on what you don’t have. Some things are simply out of our control. To feel truly happy, it is imperative to learn to surrender. That is not to say that your goals become null and void, it just means that you are willing to trust that everything will work out for you when all the necessary elements are in place.

If you can move peacefully towards your aspirations, while remaining completely present in your current situation, you will find that doors will open up for you. And because you are paying attention to the moment, and not the future, you will be able to see the doors and you’ll walk through them with pride. But, if your head is constantly down, pushing to make your dreams a reality, you will miss everything else that is going on around you. You need to grant yourself the permission to stop trying.

That’s right, STOP TRYING SO HARD!

Have you ever felt so burnt out that you can’t even drag yourself out of bed in the morning? That is a sign that you are trying too hard – you are pushing directly AGAINST the order of your life, meaning you are actually battling your own soul. This is bound to tire you out – it’s like going into a boxing ring with yourself!

Instead, be gentle with yourself. Be kind to yourself. When you accomplish something – no matter how small – reward yourself for listening and doing something you love. Next time you make it to the gym or you take yourself to watch a movie on your own, pat yourself on the back and say well done for doing something you wanted to do. This is the start – from here, you can have a whole life of things you dream of, but you must learn to let the universe play its role as your mentor.

Move towards your goals with peace in your heart and be determined, not desperate. Desperation will shift your goals further away from you, instead of bringing them closer. If something that you long for is not happening, learn to accept it and know it will happen when the time is right and you are ready for it.

Know in your heart what you want, and in your head, let go. Release and surrender. And every day, you will move even closer to your dreams without you even knowing it!